Ha!ha!ha! if the blog thing says its true, then its true!!

You Are Elektra

There's really no superhero with more style than you.Because who could beat being sexy assasin ninja?

What Superhero Are You?

vertigo

okay, right, my boyfriend knows people. like people who work in those places that u go to for 'team-building-i'm-going-to-try-and-kill-that-fucking-cock-who-irritates-the-shit-out-of-me-because-he-looks-like-a-gopher' places. i'm talking about outdoor activities like rock climbing, orienteering, mountain biking, etc. and one drizzly saturday he and his mates decided to do some 'high-ropes'. for anyone who doesn't know what high ropes is, its where you are attached to ropes and you cling to other ropes for dear life whilst thinking about how you'd look if the person holding onto your harness suddenly fails and you gracefully splat to the ground. so, we drive to leatherhead tescos to buy barbeque food and drinks and then meet other people. we then drive to high ashurst outdoor place thing and wait around for a while. we then get started. we get harnessed up, we walk through some woods and arrive at some kind of what looks like medieval torture contraption and knit a few eyebrows whilst mumbling to each other under our breaths about what is going to happen next.

stage one ---->
there are wooden logs horizontally above each other being held together by wire at each side of the logs. as the logs get higher, they get further apart. the idea is that there are two of you each side and you have to help each other get to the top without holding onto the wire. being the tiny chink that i am, i reach the third pole and can't even reach for the next pole, this results in me holding onto the said 'illegal' wire and james (who is holding onto my harness from the groud) hoisting me up to the next level all the while the other girl (who's name i really can't remember) is seconds from being slapped across her mastoid process from the tiny chink who is - by now- getting really fucked off with her whining and exclamations of the fact that she really can't do this because she's scared of heights you know, and this really isn't what she was expecting, you know.

stage two---->
a ladder, a big pole, and a small platform at the top about the size of a large dominos pizza box. climb to the top, stand up (holding onto nothing). next person climbs up, next person, etc, until there are four of you at the top all hugging each other frantically and trying to balance on a slightly wobbly pole and a pizza box. once you're all up there, hold hands, lean back and sing ring-a-ring-o'-roses (ring-a-ring-o'-roses = optional). then you all let go and you get let down.

stage three---->
ladder, pole, platform, trapeze bar. climb up the procariously wobbly ladder, up the pole, onto the platform. three people get up together. the trapeze bar is about seven feet away from the platform, someone counts down and you all have to jump and try and grab the bar at the same time. so when it comes to my turn, i go up first followed by Kav and then irritating girl. that means i'm on the left, kav in the middle and girl on the right. alec starts to count down and i'm thinking in my head "no way i'm gonna make that but i'm damn well gonna try because i can't show the ninja community up" so alec is bellowing "THREE! TWO! ONE! GOOOOO!" and just as he screams "GOOOOO!" we all make a leap for it. i have my little slitty eyes fixed ever so hopefully on the trapeze bar, i leap the biggest leap a small chink could possibly try for and i'm flying through the air still with my eyes fixed on the trapeze bar and i'm watching come closer... closer... closer still.... SMACK!! kavs arm whacks me out the way and all the dreams of becoming a ninja trapeze artist are shattered. other girl and kav make it to the trapeze bar and i'm left swinging there like some kind of failed flying squirrel.

then we all have a barbeque lunch. yum. and dave gets attacked by small and hairy caterpillars. then we get harnessed up again and walk to the last part of this crazy day. we walk, and we walk, and alec slips on his arse and throws a small child-like tantrum while dave is on the floor doubled over pointing and laughing, and we walk some more and suddenly nicky and andy serial number 375937492 stop and put all the equipment down. we look a little puzzled at this point and ask what we are doing. they then look up and everyone follows their gaze. about 70ft up the tallest trees you could ever imagine is some wires and ropes. climb up the dodgy ladder, climb up some pegs in the tree until you reach the wire, walk across the wire to the other tree (lean forward when holding onto the rope that is going across horizontally or you just end up falling backwards) and climb up some more pegs until you reach the next wire where there are four ropes hanging vertically and you have to run and grab the first rope and then walk-swing to the next rope until you reach the fourth and its all over and you get let down. so what happens when its my go? the wind blows like the worlds heaviest man has just farted in the nearby vicinity and its blowing me backwards. everyone on the ground is screaming "LEAN BACK!!" and i just think to myself that its at this one moment i wish my ass was bigger.

definately an experience that was fun and should be experienced. i was hoping for a normal saturday that day with my boyfriend, eating, watching tv, getting slapped in the face by his dick. no such luck.

Fact: Working with horses is more dangerous than F1 driving

Following a quite morbid conversation at work today, I ended up sitting in the staff room wondering whether working with horses was really for me. i mean, i like life, i enjoy being around here, on planet earth. Working with horses is just so... well... fucking dangerous is a mild way of putting it. It started with Isobel talking about her horses bad leg that just won't work at the moment and how she has read up loads on it and is assuming the worst, even though we told her that reading about it is not going to help matters, it will just panic her even more. The conversation slowly turned to horses being put down and how shocking some of the injuries we've encountered were. Broken legs, drownings, several broken bones, and a few more broken semi-rigid calcified connective tissues.

And then the short one and me recalled the time when nicola and her horse, brook, got hit by a lorry. its quite an amusing (but really shouldn't be amusing) story.

i was cleaning tack in the tack room with maddy, and all i hear from outside is the clattering of the gates, screaming, panic-stricken voices, screeching of tyres, clanging of horses hooves on concrete. the words i can make out is "BROOK... LORRY... FINGER... CAROLINE... ROAD... DEAD..." and it goes on and on. Next thing i hear is "NNNAAAAANNNNNNCCCCYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!"
so, being the savvy little chink that i am, i peg it out of the tack room and i see nicola grasping hold of caroline round her shoulders shaking her vigourously spouting out something very fast and imperceptible but something along the lines of, "BROOK IS DEAD! WHERE IS BROOK?! MY FINGER! LOOK AT MY FINGER!! THE FUCKING LORRY! HE WAS A FUCKING POLISH LORRY!" Caroline at this point is turning green from motion sickness and it looks like her head is about to fall off. her very shaken and not at all fixed gaze falls upon me and her eyes try to light up amongst nicolas panic, "NANCY! THERES NANCY! GO WITH NANCY INTO THE STAFF ROOM!" Nicola runs towards me as caroline is shouting "PUT YOUR SLEEVE OVER YOUR HAND! FOR GODS SAKE DON'T LOOK AT YOUR BLOODY HAND!!" By this point, nicola is white as a sheet and has now shut up and is staring incessantly at her hand.

Now, you have to do this and just try to imagine this, look at your left hand. take your ring finger, on your left hand. wiggle it. stroke it. be grateful its there. take the first joint of the ring finger on your left hand. the one just above your knuckle. imagine it bent to the right about45 degrees. that was nicolas finger. not just that though, oh no. now go to the next joint up. and imagine it bent to the left by about 90 degrees. and that was nicolas finger. it was a complete and perfect 'z' shape. so, nicola is panicking about her horse which has just been hit by a lorry and she is in shock from falling off in the road onto concrete. she falls off and curses blindly at the polish lorry and runs into the yard screaming blue murder and all sorts. and then panics about brook and where she is. brook, meanwhile, is with catherine (the woman nicola rode out with) and her horse, magic. and they are standing right in front of nicola who is worked into such a state that she isn't realising where her horse is and by this point, has grasped a hold of caroline again and is violently shaking her again demanding to know where brook is. after much chaos and more chaos, brook is safely in her stable with a big feed and a fat amount of hay and seems not too distraught by the afternoons antics. nicola is sat in the staff room with me, she has calmed down but that doesnt stop me eyeing her up suspiciously every so often. caroline is sorting out a vet for brook. maddy is cleaning tack in the tack room. catherine is talking to nicola about reporting the driver. nicola is not listening, nicola is worriedly talking to me:
nicola: do u think its broken nancy? (thrusts her obviously broken finger into my face)
me: erm...
nicola: no, i really think its broken. oh no....!
me: no... no! its not broken nicola...
nicola: ?
me: ...its just dislocated! yup, its dislocated!
nicola: really?
me: yeah, i think its just dislocated.
nicola: oh... i hope so...

the finger is unashamedly broken.

nicola went to hospital. her finger was broken. brook saw the vet. brook has never been the same with lorries. caroline went to collect her head from rolling down a hill. maddy is still cleaning tack.

this is why i shouldn't be working with horses.

PAINTBALL!!

So we went paintball again today. After organising people and having about half cancel because the fuckers didn't get the day off work (even though I reminded them like weeks before), it turned out alright i guess.
For some reason, I wasn't as excited about it this time , probably because i've been several times before and the novelty experience is wearing off. The first few games were cool, we were winning. it was evident that the opposing team were just shit (it was full of girls. lik, not just girls, but girly girls. like, really girly girls.) and our team had a few girls but, you know, we were all shit hot. for a start, there was me, girl not afraid of anything other than intimacy and always wanting to be upfront in the firing line. then there was pleb, who is probably just as upfront as me but with a bit more intelligent about it, tactical and just generally thinking about what she was doing. then there was lucy who just kept getting shot because her breasts were getting in the way.
Anyway, i'll tell about the best bit of the day. the day wore on, my enthusiasm livened up although i was getting more and more tired. the last game came around and the marshals explained the scenario and we played the game and obviously, won. we then played the 'bonus game'. it went something like this:
Marshal: "RIGHT! TIME FOR THE BONUS ROUND! (they shout alot and so it has to be written in capitals for the emphasis) THE RULES ARE AS FOLLOWS; THIS IS TO GET RID OF YOUR EXTRA PAINTBALLS. IF YOU GET SHOT, YOU ARE NOT OUT! YOU ARE ONLY OUT IF YOU RUN OUT OF PAINTBALLS! OR IF YOU CAN'T TAKE THE PAIN ANYMORE!"
right....
we're all thinking whats the objective of this game? do we have to get to their base camp? total annihilation? touch the crows nest? what??
so a chipper young lady crops up, "what? what is the objective?"
the marshal replies, "I JUST TOLD YOU! YOU ARE NOT OUT UNTIL YOU RUN OUT OF PAINTBALLS OR TIL YOU CAN'T TAKE THE PAIN!"
young lady, "what? we're all against each other?"
marshal, "YES! READY! 5...4...3...2..."
At this point, everyone thinks (and says quite loudly) "SHHIIIIITTTTTT!!!! RRUUUUUUNNNN!!!!"
manic everywhere, people screaming running, nowhere to hide. Blind frenzied panic. People (mostly girls) running out the game play area. I see Pleb leave, i assume shes run out of ammo. I see lucy leave, i assume shes run out of ammo until she says to me "Do you want anymore ammo?"
I on the other hand was having a great time. people kept shooting me and i was shooting back (obviously). Some guy shoots me in the back so i spin round blinded by red panic and pain and fire a single paintball. it sails through the air with the graceful swiftness of the wind that is carrying it. It hits him spot on. somewhere i never imagined i'd get. his balls. his left testicles to be precise as i found out later. He is doubled over in agony jumping around with his legs squirming, squealing and cursing coming from his earlier friendly mouth. I seize the moment and carry on shooting whilst i too, am doubled over, but in laughter not pain. he is being pelted by paintballs. he realizes what i'm doing and looks up at me. he then screams "RIGHT! YOU BITCH! YOU'RE GONNA GET IT!" He runs towards me with the speed and determination of a bull on heat. I'm laughing so much that it takes every voice in my head screaming at me to run too. So i peg it away and we end up running in circles round a tree stump shooting and maiming each other. somehow, i let myself into some kind of clearing of men and they're all shooting at me. five guys all showering paintballs at me. it quickly changed into one of those scenes you see in war movies, i get shot and whilst i'm trying to absorb the pain and shock, i get shot again, and again, and again. and it takes a while for me to muster up my energy against this searing heat in my back and buttocks to fight back. the whistle blows. I've never felt so relieved to hear the screeching of a whistle. i run to the others. they didn't run out of ammo, they couldn't take the pain. wimps.
I apologise to the shot-inthe-balls-guy. he seems alright with it.
yeah, painball is fun, i highly recommend it to anyone who has anger issues like me. i have the bruises and the mental corruption to prove it.

Update on life

Its been a funny couple of weeks. After deciding to settle into work and get a proper career, I then had a slight panic attack at being grwon up and settled at 21. So, i decided to be immature, and have now decided to fuck off and go travelling again at some point. Between then and now, I'll get more exams done, learn chinese and spanish, have an awesome summer, improve my riding, save money, get a car, drink more water, run for cancer research uk, get up earlier in the mornings, read more, paint more, study more, eat less chocolate, be nicer to people.

I passed my sports massage therapy exam, much to my surprise. I really didn't think i would. not only did i pass the exam, i was one of two people that passed in the class of twelve. damn, i must be good.

I can finally open my jaw again. after the trauma of the dental surgery, i couldn't open my mouth properly, eating food was a bit of a joke, i had to squish bananas through, my teeth and brushing my teeth was a bit of a laborious ritual. twice a day. The stitches came out, just suddenly one day, they weren't there. I think i swallowed them.

I saw Trivium last week which was a bit mental, but very, very good and ended up in places with people i shouldn't have been with. yes, it was fun and yes, i got led astray, again. There was flick-age involved. there was god forbid-age involved. there was trivium-age involved. there was mind bending narcotic-age involved. i won't say anymore on the subject, i think most of you can guess. oh, and whatever you're thinking, i'm the good one.

Last night was quite amusing. Pizza, and magazines, and music and lots of talking. and then piercing needles.

rachel: "yes! pierce one of my ears!"
nancy: "yes! pierce my ears again and my belly button!"

genius idea, nancy.

a) ears, fine
b) you hate people sticking things in their belly buttons, let alone your own.
c) you fucking idiot.

so lucy pierces rachels ear and it is fine and good and great. she is happy. lucy is happy. i am happy. milly is on the phone.
lucy goes to pierce my belly button next. it goes wrong. it is painful. it is very painful. i won't go to detail, but it didnt work and now i have an angry belly button. (by the way, it was wonky, lucy)
so i say "okay, pierce my ears then" lucy looks worried like "oh my me, it looks like you're about to faint, i poked a hole in you, i am sorry, i don't want to poke anymore holes in you, here is something to wipe the blood up, don't make me do that again." rachel looks like "I CAN'T BELIEVE I JUST WITNESSED THAT." milly is on the phone. i make lucy pierce my ears and all is cool until she shows me her hands and there is blood everywhere. oh dear... anyway, its all good, i have more holes in me and more bits of metal in places and alls good in the hood. thanks lucy.

so, all is fine and dandy. me and the rabbit went to the vets today and then to the bank and then to the newsagents where the newsagent was like "thats a rabbit" i was like "i know" and then he was like "thats a rabbit in my shop" and in return, i was like "i know" and he was like "..." and i was like "it says 'no dogs' on the door but nothing about rabbits." i then gave him money, took my stamps and walked off. bloody un-rabbit-sympathetic newsagents.

DENTIST!!!

i went to kingston hospital today so they could rip out my teeth, drill into me, and make me feel like a dribbling wreck.

i was sat in the waiting room for a while before they called me in and then i spoke to the dentist man and filled out a consent form. i then sat in a chair whilst mr dentist man said to me "just gonna give u an injection. or three. this will be the worst part, once this is over, it'll be plain sailing." okay, i think, i'm not scared of the dentist, in fact, i find the whole shebang quite amusing. y'know, the terror it fills people with when really, u actually can't feel a damn thing.

so anyway, they start chatting to me whilst the anaesthetic kicks in and i tell them what i do and about the family, etc. just bullshit really that they arent gonna give a shit about, i thought they were doin it jus to check out how scared u were. it took about 5 mins for me to realise that the reason they do this is because they want to see when the anaesthetic starts working. cue: i start dribbling and not being able to talk properly and i start to try and laugh except i can't feel my mouth and the dentist and nurse start laughing too because they say that i'm the most amusing and the best patient they've had so far.

mr dentist man then says that he's gonna see if i can feel pain still and gets his impliments and starts to prod me,
"can u feel that?"
"no."
"...that?"
"no."
"that?"
"ARGHHHHH!!!!"
"you can feel that?!"
"ha!ha! no, i can't!"
"not funny! you're supposed to be nervous and scared and not be frightening the patients waiting outside by screaming out aloud!"

so anyway, the procedure goes on, theres alot of blood and theres quite alot of stopping from me laughing and the dentist is telling me off alot with some kind of bemusement in his voice, "will u just shut up for one second?!" and then he starts drilling and i have to stop him because he's not only drilling my teeth but also the side of my mouth. i don't think he really understood what i was trying to say though because he carried on drilling the side of my mouth and i thought 'oh, well'

hes then stitching up my bottom gum and i'm gagging because of the closenoss to the back of the throat and suddenly the dentist says, "you're biting me, can u open your mouth up?!" oops sorry, i didnt even realise that i was clamping down on him quite hard!
the nurse then turns to me and says just the top tooth to take out now, this one will be much easier. sweet, thinks me. not so sweet when after the scraping and drilling and gentle easing out of the lower tooth comes the brutal yanking and pulling and twisting of the top tooth. and they keep doing this harder and harder until it comes out. and when its difficult comes the
"you'll just hear a noise now..."
CRACK!
eww... again, no pain, but the noise is hardly encouraging.

anyway, the surgery finishes, i realise that they've shredded the side of my mouth and i apologise in dribblers talk to the dentist for trying to bite his hand off and not shutting up. i then turn to the dentist and say, "by the way, the bit where u said the injections were the orst part? blatant lie." the nurse then says "well, you're still smiling, can u make sure you're still smiling when u walk out to encourage the other patients waiting outside?" sure thing. i walk out grinning from ear to ear and a passing nurse looks at me and asks, "are u alright?" "yep, jus great!" "...okay....."

my mouth is now sore as fuck, i can feel the stitches in the gum, it hurts to smile or yawn and it keeps filling up with blood.

you better brush your teeth y'all and get yo wisdom teeth checked out asap as soon as they come through. or go through that process. and, believe me, i'm good wit this shit but i can fully understand why epople are scared of dentists, its fucking brutal and you don't even get a sticker at the end of it. although i did ask for one.

"He's such a peach!"

About two weeks ago (maybe three...?) i went to see babyshambles. i hate babyshambles and i hate pete doherty even more (just want to take him home and give him some tea and a bath) so i didnt hold out much hope of enjoying this gig. first up, a couple of bands. then some more bands. then some even more bands. and still some more bands. must have reached about the sixth or seventh band before i thought "fuck this, if they don't turn up after this band, i'm going home". hmm... they turned up. at midnight. i wasnt happy to say the least, for i had just wandered around whitechapel by myself thinking that i was gonna get raped, met two random dudes who, were dudes, and then to stand around waiting for a band that i didnt really like wondering whether mr doherty had been, yet again, thrown into prison.
anyway, finally, babyshambles comes on stage and all hell breaks loose. crowd surfers are being thrown around, guitars are being thrown into the crowd and eaten alive by avid babyshambles fans. i almost get knocked out by pete doherty jumping into a crowd of pete doherty hungry fans with his head smacking me on my head. all is good. i loved it.
i hate pete doherty, but credit where its due, he's a showman and fucking good at it. in the words of rachel, "He's such a peach."